Our voices

Knowing that there are others like you can be the most reassuring and life-affirming fact you can learn. This is a place to share stories about our Amish heritage, about how the values, lessons, and rejection we were taught continue to affect our daily lives. 

Read our stories below. Click the SUBMIT link under the OUR VOICES tab to share your experience!
Thaddeus Schlabach  (founder)         
​I grew up old-order amish in holmes county, ohio...         ​
I grew up Old-Order Amish in Holmes County, Ohio. Later, my family also attended the New-Order Amish and Conservative Mennonite Church. I was never baptized into the church and completely left the community at 21. I accepted that I was gay at a fairly young age, around 14. I struggled deeply with it for about one year, convinced I would be sent to Hell--I even contemplated suicide several times. Growing up in the church I heard almost zero discussion about sexual orientation or gender identity. When it was mentioned it was talked about as a foreign, "English" problem--sinful. At some point when I was 15, it just clicked...I knew who I was. I felt some guilt and a lot of judgment, but no longer feared being gay. However, I knew it was something I had to hide from my family, my friends and my community.

When my parents discovered that I was gay at 17, they burst into tears and sent me to a non-Amish, ex-gay religious counselor. It's one of my only memories I have of my parents crying. They were blindsided by my confession and had no idea what to do. To this day ​I am not permitted to visit my family with my husband and my extended family doesn't know that I'm gay. My parents do their best to keep my sexuality, my marriage, and my life a secret from my former community.

I now live in Savannah, Georgia. In 2005, I met the love of my life and have been married to Jeffrey since 2008. He is a writer and has been my biggest supporter. I have met wonderful friends along my journey and have worked hard to create a life I am proud and happy to lead.

I hope to create a safe place for people to share stories and seek encouragement. There are some people who are trying to leave the Amish community and we stand with them to provide support when needed. All of us are on a different path. We hear from Amish who love their lives and are happy to stay. Some are looking to affect change within the community and some only want an understanding ear.

I would love to hear your stories!

​-Thaddeus​
Jeffrey Garris          
Writer from Savannah, Georgia                 
Thaddeus's husband.
mARY
I was born into an old order amish family. When I was 5...​
I was born into an old order amish family. When I was 5 I told my parents I was going to grow up and marry a beautiful woman. .. that didn't go over so well. When I was 19 I left the community. I was still struggling to accept myself. So I assumed a heterosexual lifestyle. Don't ever do this it's crazy and hurts people.. I finally became truly free a couple years ago and at peace with mySelf.
James Hannenbaush
I think I was very lucky in my coming out...​
I think I was very lucky in my coming out as it coincided with a few other shifts in the lives of my family members. I grew up Amish in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. We were Old Order Amish. My mother had married into the Amish community and adopted it as her own. She is on Portuguese descent as her parents came from Portugal to Philadelphia in the 1950s. I knew I was different from a very early age. My parents never talked about homosexuality and it was never mentioned in any of the services we attended. I literally had no idea what it was. When I started to notice that I was attracted to men, I went to my mother who I knew wasn't Amish by blood and had grown up in the English world. She had spoken Portuguese to me and my twin sister, but was forbidden to teach it to my 5 younger siblings. I knew she loved me and I wanted to know what I was so I told her and she told me she loved me and gave me a book. That's when I knew she was doubting the Amish faith and way of life. This happened when I was 13. Through the book she gave me I found out what I was. I felt my fair share of guilt, but my parents, especially my mother had raised me to believe in myself and love myself no matter what. Because of that I was always confident in who I was and I thank my mother every day for what she did. Eventually I told my sister. She accepted me albeit 2 weeks of crying. My sister, mother, and I spoke about in Portuguese for about 4 years until I decided to tell my father. When I told him he just started crying. And then a few hours later I heard him praying in our language about me to God. About a year later he told the local elders and it was decided that I would be excommunicated. I was devastated. It was the lowest point in my life. But I had already planned to leave the church since I was 10. I remember when my mother took me to the library secretly to teach me about the world beyond our community and I had always wanted to travel to my homelands of Switzerland and Portugal. Its been 6 years since I was shunned from the Amish and life is finally good. My mother and sister left with me. We found my grandparents who had moved back to Portugal to retire. We contacted them and they took us in. I moved to Portugal when I was 18. I went to university and graduated a year ago with a degree in linguistics. I speak Spanish, German, Portuguese and English and I now live in Brazil teaching English to 15 and 16 year olds in an international school in Brasilia. It's been a journey. And eventually I found someone to hopefully spend the rest of my life. It was hard. But I didn't have the worst. I'm working on getting my sister and mother to Brazil and I plan on contacting my family back in Pennsylvania. I was really lucky to have a mother that loved my sister and I more than trying to fitting into a restrictive way of life. I am free. I have God in my life and I have a family and friends who love me. I'm happy to have found this community and I hope my story has some kind of an impact on Amish children who have a parent who werent amish by blood and want to explore the other side of where they come from and also to the gay youth of Amish communities. To all with love from my adopted home in Brazil. ​​
ORVA SCHROCK
Congratulations on establishing this site and being true to yourselves...​
Dear Friends,
​
Congratulations on establishing this site and being true to yourselves. As an ex-Amish myself [although straight] i know
something about the incredible challenge you face in having the Amish community accept and respect you.

Just FYI, i have published a memoir, "Worthless Boy," that can be seen at Amazon.com.
I struggled a great deal in my Amish youth: Parental abuse;
physical, emotional, and spiritual. I can say now at age 64 i have pretty much spent my entire life struggling to overcome the pain and shame that was my childhood and youth. I struggle still.

Best wishes and peace to you. 
Joseph stalnaker
Honesty was one of the first principles I was taught as a child...​
Honesty was one of the first principles I was taught as a child. My parents tried to instill in me from a very early age that it was of the utmost importance for me to be honest at all times, especially with them. As I grew up and discovered more about right and wrong, new challenges faced me everyday concerning honesty. My Christian parents taught me from infancy the reality of the Creator God, the literal importance of His Word, and the necessity of all people to obey Jesus Christ. Being reared in a conservative Fundamental Baptist preacher’s home, and learning to live according to the rigors of the religious Right’s code of conduct, I soon learned there were certain things I could not be honest about if I wished to be included and respected by my family and church. As with any organized society, individualistic characteristics contrary to that society’s acceptable norms are not tolerated. After serving as an Assistant Pastor at my father’s Baptist church in Ohio and preparing to be a missionary to Scotland, I resigned all that and moved with my wife and two children to Pennsylvania to join with the plain living Old German Baptist Brethren church, becoming a member and living amongst them for seven years. Two more children were born while I was with the Brethren. This move had been born out of my own spiritual experience in my later teen years, as I had been drawn to develop a personal relationship with Christ. The principles I had been taught as a child, grew and blossomed into my understanding, causing me to be challenged about the current status quo amongst the Baptists. Through many unique circumstances and providential encounters, I was introduced to the concepts of Old Order Christianity and exposed to a reality of religious practice that I had never known before. Meeting with and befriending many Conservative Mennonites, Beachy Amish, and Old Order Amish people helped me to see a more practical living application of Jesus’ teachings for my life in contrast to the emphasis I had always known as a Baptist. Personal study led me to research church history in depth, exposing me to the recorded teachings and practices of the Early Christians, the later persecuted European groups and ultimately to the Anabaptist and Quaker concepts of my forefathers. My friendships with these plain people introduced the concept that the New Testament should be understood from the perspective of Jesus’ teachings interpreting what the Apostles wrote, rather than the other way around. Simplicity of life, Truth in speech, Integrity and Consistency of living became important ingredients for me to be walking in the footsteps of Jesus. Amongst the Old German Baptist Brethren was the first place I experienced what I believed was the level of love and trust necessary to become completely honest with myself and others about who and what I really was. My understanding of Christianity had culminated in the expression of the self-denying, non-conformist lifestyle of Old Order Christianity and the communal relationships developed within it. Into this trust I delivered myself, only to realize too late the mistaken impression I had been under. The Order was actually the acceptable status quo of the local congregation regardless of what scripture or historical record would say otherwise. I discovered this fact only after having been admitted into the inner framework of their society. The continued struggle with my inner physical self and efforts to conform my outer spiritual life’s expression were still very real. My life seemed out of balance with me vacillating between actions that promoted one concept or the other. The Elders of the Church saw this inconsistency and applied pressure on my life and family to deal with the issue. At the age of 35, I put a stop to the dishonesty for myself and others and became openly honest about who and what I really was, sharing personally in confidence with one of my ministering Brethren and then with my wife. I was soon excommunicated from the Brethren and subsequently separated from my wife and children, and this involved a total change in livelihood and lifestyle. My employment had been in the plain world amongst Amish and Mennonite craftsmen making solid wood dining chairs. I wore plain clothes, had a full beard and hat, shopped in plain stores, socialized with plain people, and considered that community home. Now I was forced to choose between increased honesty about my inner physicality and the outer spiritual expression of the plain life I had come to embrace. It became impossible to live wholly myself and honestly continue in the Old German Baptist Brethren Church. Though this was a very dark time of rejection and introspection in my life, I believed that God understood the spiritual part of my life, and that if I was honest about my whole self, He would work out the details regarding my spiritual belief and practice. Expressing honestly who I was and what I was brought me around to recognizing myself as a man interested in having a relationship with another man. I knew and acknowledged that I truly desired being in the company of a man both physically and spiritually, rather than with a woman. The social concept of being ‘GAY‘, having been something I was always taught was horrible and ungodly, was difficult for me to understand at first. Part of me wanted to resist the label and part of me wanted to reach out for something to identify with. I began to seek out ‘GAY’ things, people, places, activities, support, etc. Somehow, there was new found strength and focus once I admitted that my physical attraction to the same gender was a definite ingredient in my life and that though it did not define all of who I was, it set me apart amongst those whom society refers to as ‘GAY’. One day while visiting a local Barnes & Noble, I perused the gay books and stumbled across the mention of PFLAG, which stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. My interest was piqued and I went online to discover what this was and eventually reached out for help from the local group in my area. A kind mother answered the phone the first time I called and very warmly guided me to visit some churches in the area that might be able to help me along on my journey. My learning was just beginning at that point, but it was an encouragement to me to be able to grow in acceptance of myself as God truly sees me. During this time, I had been fortunate enough to land a good job with FedEx as a courier. I came out to my co-workers who became all the more accepting and helpful to me, aiding me in whatever way they could with meals, housing and money. So, I visited churches around where I lived that were openly gay affirming or accepting. It was my first real opportunity to meet actual living, breathing gay people who were Christians as well. The spirituality within me reached out in friendship to the spiritual consciousness of these people and in a moment I knew that, even though they were Gay, we were all of one spirit. I was invited to a pool party for a July Fourth celebration at a gay couple’s home, which turned out to be my first time to really interact with openly gay people. I shared my story with several of the people there and was warmly welcomed and encouraged to just be myself and be strong in the confidence that God loved me no matter what. One of the older gentlemen there that day was a local church organist, who later became a musical mentor to me when I joined a gay men’s chorus he directed. Most importantly though, that pool party set into motion the events that would ultimately change my life for the better in the years to come. My home and contact with my family being gone, I was living somewhat precariously out in a new world of many dangers and opportunities. My job notified me of their plans to transfer me to another county, necessitating a move to a new area. One of the gay guys I had met at the pool party, invited me to stay with him for a short time until I could get back on my feet in this new world of living. This was a kind and gracious offer to me and I took him up on it, as it was closer to my new work position and granted me the help I truly needed to start over in life. When I first embraced the realization that I was interested in men and that I desired to understand that part of me which I had so dutifully denied all my life, it was somewhat overwhelming and daunting to face on my own. My new roommate became a close friend, mentor and the only family I really had, he and his partner sacrificing time and talent to teach and help me grow in my new awareness of God’s love, and the fact that I was okay in His sight. They encouraged me to first accept myself for who I was and that I was valuable to God and others, teaching me self-worth and value for the first time. Previously, I had known a concept of worthlessness and degradation for not truly being all I was taught God required me to be. They encouraged me to go to church, even when I felt rejected by God as a sinner by the teachings of my childhood. They encouraged me that I was lovable and valuable even though my family and friends all rejected me as ‘rebellious and out of God‘s will‘. It was during this time that I really began to awaken to all that life had to offer, a lot of what I had missed out on in life so far, and many things that I had never experienced before. I did go through a period of change and experimentation through all of this, but soon began to sort out the things I truly wanted to include in my life. My job was going well in the new transferred location, I had a nice place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, and friends that loved me and accepted me for who I really was. I was truly blessed and beginning to see that God’s hand was at work for good in my life, not condemnation. My heart began to revive and healing started to repair the hurt in my spirit, teaching me to reconsider some of the things I had lost in all the tumultuousness of coming out. First, I felt the need to bring closure to the situation of my marriage and former life. Second, I felt a new relationship needed to be made with my children. Third, I saw the hope of having a long term relationship with a man who could identify with me as a possible goal and achievable end to reach for. And finally, I began to believe in a future of faith and family for myself and those I love together someday. Though I had striven for reconciliation on just about every possible angle to be thought of concerning my marriage, it eventually came down to the finalization of being legally divorced. In spite of some people’s efforts to bar me from having the rightful custody of my children, I chose that it would be better to have a little contact with them rather than none. Much legal process, indebtedness and time went into accomplishing this goal, but I now have some partial legal custody and am able to share a little in my children’s life. Though I dated some different guys, I was very thankful to eventually find someone of similar background and ideals to build a relationship with, for which I am currently thankful beyond words. There were not many likely candidates amongst the gay guys I knew, especially ones that might be interested in going to a cappella hymn sings and Anabaptist or Quaker Meetings. So, I feel very blessed to have a boyfriend to share my life with who can be comfortable with some of my past and willing to share my journey into the future. I continue to grow with relating to and understanding modern religion, Christianity, and God, but I have faith that things will work out for good. In all fairness, though it seems that the cost may have been supremely high for me to pay, I truly believe that the healthiest thing I have done in life was to just be openly honest with myself and then with others. Honesty certainly has a price, but it gives dividends of happiness and joy that overcome the pain of its cost.
RICK
Hello I just read/viewed an article on Huffington Post/Gay Voices
Hello I just read/viewed an article on Huffington Post/Gay Voices of an individual from the amish community in MI who did an interview via video with the publication and mentioned this site. I checked it out, and believe this is a great platform/resource for anyone who are in this situation. or not. The main thing I would like to say is "we are often consumed by religious beliefs as well as our peer expectations of what or whom we should be". These beliefs are just that. Set this aside (if only for a moment) and realize people are who they are born and meant too be. Accept all, and realize we are all here for a purpose and enjoy the time we all have here, and be who you are, and enjoy the journey and try to understand all. Peace.
tony urrea
I am from Millersburg, Ohio. I had no idea that there were others like myself.​
It is sad that Christians who are suppose to know the love of God and how much this world is starved of it, are the first to throw the stone instead of open acceptance. I pastor churches and keep showing them the love of God is not better or worse because of their understanding. What is worst is the application, in the name of God, that we starve people in so much need of acceptance, understanding and encouragement. I am grateful it is the kingdom of God and not the kingdom of the Christians, God help us is that was the case. I just hope you people learn to see life through His eyes. love and understanding, instead of the ignorance displayed by these people. It is better to live with His and your own acceptance than with the ones of those who are unable or unwilling to understand the situation gay people face on a daily basis. Keep courage and remember, you don't have to justify yourselves to anybody, but throw yourselves into the arms of a loving, living God who can't wait to welcome you into His being. God bless you and keep you close to Himself.
Leslie
Congrats to you! It is a struggle, but keeping sharing, you never know who's life you can touch.
dean yoder
I am a 51 year old man now, but I was once young like you...
I am a 51 year old man now, but I was once young like you. I am very proud of you that you started a networking community where people no longer have to be themselves alone. I was raise Mennonite in Poesyville Michigan. My Grandfather was Old Order Amish. The hardest thing I ever did was to come out to my parents. I was instantly shunned by my grandfather, my parents threw me out of the house , I was only 16. I did not know what to do or where to go. What insued is material for a much longer forum at a later date. I can say my life eventually got better. I am Married to my legal husband in Long Island, New York. We have been together for more than 17 years. My husband Jonathan does not have any real reference for what my life was like as a gay kid growing up in such a religious community, but he tries. I think you are the first group of Gay Amish or Mennonites I have ever run across. It is good to know I was not the only one. Peace to you all.
Michael
Wow, what an interesting website - and the stories I've read were inspiring...
Wow, what an interesting website - and the stories I've read were inspiring. I'm not Amish, but I am gay. My family was very religious, and I too struggled with the thoughts of going to hell, being hated or judged, or being thrown out of the house. I eventually moved to Los Angeles and figured things out on my own. I realized within the gay community that "our stories are the same, they just involved different people." i now know that I won't burn in hell and that I've been hated for things other than being gay, that I don't care if others judge me, and everyone in my family now knows that I'm gay ... and could care less. I just would never wave a flag about it. :) Be strong readers - be who you are. We live in a world where we can create our own families. You're never alone in your situations, even if at times you feel you are.
bill
If you are gay, do not assume a hetero lifestyle and marry...
If you are gay, do not assume a hetero lifestyle and marry. That's what I did and made a very wonderful lady very sad when I finally confessed to her my true feelings. She loved me sooooo much. I tore her heart out. Don't do it.
Chap james day (miller)
I am not Amish, but my great, great grandfather's family left the Amish...
I am not Amish, but my great, great grandfather's family left the Amish. I am an LGBT activist with the Episcopal Church. I have always had an interest in the Amish because of my heritage. After watching a PBS documentary on shunning and runaways, I decided to look into connecting with LGBT Amish, who are likely to face that. I am interested in learning more and seeing what I can do to help. I was fortunate to be in a situation that didn't offer issues when I came out.
ernie klassen
I grew up in a small town in British Columbia, Canada in a Mennonite immigrant/refugee family...
I grew up in a small town in British Columbia, Canada in a Mennonite immigrant/refugee family who fled Russia during WWII. In 1975, I worked for MCC at the head office in Akron Pennsylvania (I was 18). I loved that area, but a gay man working there was asked to leave his position when he publicly came out. I went home, went to university, married , had kids and came out at 40. Now, at 56, I have a wonderful husband (married 2 1/2 years ago), 3 fabulous kids, 2 grandkids and a wonderful life. I wish all LGBTI people can find happiness to be true to themselves.
anonymous
So, I must admit I don't really know how to start this...
So, I must admit I don't really know how to start this! I'm from a small town in Ohio, (close to Amish country) and grew up next to and Amish community and had friends that were Amish. My father's family were Amish a few generations ago...and today, they are English and I am Gay! Growing up in this very tiny sheltered community, I knew I was different from the most but I couldn't exactly figure it out...it wasn't until my first experience with a man that I realized I was gay! After close to 10 years, I struggled daily with the fact I can't be myself to my parents...I pray every day for help and direction...but I'm too afraid, what if my parents never speak to me again, I would be alone...I commend all of you who are more brave than I. I've never admitted this to anyone, but there are time that I have thought it would just be easier if I weren't around any more...
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